Don't Leave Me
by unleashed-demons
Summary: We're not an open book. But hell, I like Katniss and maybe I'm being brainless for once. Katniss/Johanna AUish
1. Chapter 1

**Johanna POV**

Until now, there was no one left that I loved. I was only an antisocial misfit with fully loaded rage, but for God sake's I didn't end up dead or completely out of my mind after the games and maybe Katniss is the one to repay for that. Something happened. I don't know what it was. Something made her kiss me and maybe it was just like how she kissed Peeta because he was wounded and helpless. I'd never looked like that and I guess she didn't know what to do. I was too sedated and drained of so much life to claw at her throat when she first kissed me back in hospital. I'd known she'd done it with Gale too. She'd kissed him and thrilled him because she sucked at words and couldn't heal them any other way.

But Snow can hurt me now. I'm vulnerable to him. If only he knew. It's a secret. Us. For Katniss it's Peeta in public and me in secret. There's somebody I love and it scares me more than the goddamn nightmares and PTSD. Big intimidating Johanna scared because of love! Isn't that crazy? And now here's Katniss, looking up at me wearily as she captures me in a cruel kiss, like I'm not real and I don't blame her because I'm not as sharp as I used to be. I'm kissing her back like she's the only thing that's keeping me alive and then that fire dies as her lips brush away. My force field isn't there anymore. Not around her anyway.

"I'm sorry. I can't do this." She says breathlessly, and her eyes look dead.

We're out in the woods, away from everything. She's looking away from me, like she doesn't know me. Like I'm nothing. I know more of Katniss than I thought I did. She's not just brainless or the girl on fire. Everything was already public and I guess her virtue of lies before made me hate her because she was just like everybody else, except it was more pathetic keeping up with the Peeta lovebird act and everything. I know better now. She's not only stubborn but stabbed her way into my heart and healed me with her lips. Shit, what am I becoming, needing love to keep me alive? It's pathetic, but I can't stop it, even if I know it'll only end up in ashes. It's inevitable.

I frown. "Why not? Katniss, you know Snow doesn't know about us. We're not in the games. We can keep secrets. We can be real right now."

She can't hurt me. She's not supposed to be like that. I'm maybe the only real person she knows, according most are fake and only know her as what she perceives to the public. She's whirling and confusing and fragile but she can't leave me. She pushed Gale away and almost Peeta, but she's not gonna do that with me even if I have to tackle her to the ground to make her stay.

She shrugs helplessly. "I know that. I just can't stop thinking about Peeta when I look at you and if Snow finds out I can't let you get hurt because of me. I'm poison, Johanna."

We both are. We can't live like this, acting like what we do doesn't happen. We're not a show. Sure, the Capitol makes us out to be, but when will it stop? I can't. I can't survive without her and the secrets won't ever end.

"So stop looking at me like I'm Peeta. I'm nothing like him, alright? Nothing." I snap—or try to, anyway, because it comes out flat and barely audible.

She chews on her lip, a faraway look in her eyes. "I can't stop. This is too risky. For myself. For you."

I shouldn't like her. Maybe I'm insane. The games do something to you, you know. I don't know why I saved her in the games, but we were allies. I'm not that cruel. I don't know what we are now. I can't say we're lovers because we're not an open book. But hell, I like Katniss and maybe I'm being brainless for once. I shouldn't have let her strike my force field, but I'm weak. I should have died. Most of us knew Katniss would be saved anyway and the old me would say that's bullshit but the insane part of me doesn't mind. The games were the only part of my life when everything was taken away from me. Katniss is my life now and I don't know why she can't risk this because I'd rather die than to live like I did again, having nobody left that I loved. Katniss sewed me together again. Partly. I still need stitches sometimes.

"Then we'll tell them. Not just Peeta or whoever the hell else, but everybody, okay?" I say before I can stop. "We don't have to be a secret."

I'm selfish. We're both selfish and stubborn and I don't get it. Of everything the games has made her be fearful of, there's nothing more powerful than love and we're poison to it. Maybe she's right. This is too risky. But the insane part of me just wants to keep kissing her until I can't breathe and it takes every will of me to not listen to my impulses.

"We can't." Her voice is quiet, her eyes downcast.

I groan lowly. "Fine. You know what? Fuck it. You do this with Gale. With Peeta. You're fake, Katniss. Be with him for all I care. You don't give a shit about me or him though, do you? You just want the thrill."

The soft edges are scraped off my voice and the sharpness is coming back again. I didn't think it would last long, me being all sentimental and everything. Look at that. Johanna Mason was actually being friendly for once! And now it's gone. I'm back to being a bitch, because that's the part I'm supposed to play and the show must go on. So I hide it. I don't want Katniss to see what a lonely, scared person I am. What would be good of me then? Nothing. I'd be worthless. Vulnerable. Nobody likes the vulnerable side. Nobody has the time for it.

She throws her head back, her forehead etched with worry lines. "No. That's not it. You just don't get it, Johanna! I never should've been real around you."

I should have stayed alone. I'm a coward underneath my cruelty and I can't be weakened by love. What the hell was I thinking? I'm an idiot. She doesn't need me. Clearly. I'm just a waste of space and she's too sincere to tell me to fuck off, but I guess I was waiting for it because I can see it in her eyes. She's not good at pretending. Maybe I just know her better.

"You're kidding me, right?" I laugh coldly. "I get it. I do. But I can't. I can't hide this. I'm done. It's me or him, so I'll make this easy. Have fun with lovebird and everything. I'm not worth it anyway. Everybody leaves me."

Katniss doesn't say anything. She doesn't need to. Neither of us are talking anymore. And then I leave because that's what I do. I'm a walking time bomb. I'm always gonna explode. I fuck things up, I get distant, and I walk away.


	2. Chapter 2

**Katniss POV**

"Peeta, how can you not hate me?"

I'm not too sure Peeta and I will ever be real lovers. It wouldn't be accurate. Johanna and I could've been if I wasn't a user. Gale's just a friend that I couldn't help but infactuate, and maybe that's all I ever really do to Peeta and Johanna too. If I never kissed her, I wouldn't have messed up. But I can't fix it. She's not a fixable person. Me? I'm not a real person. I'm just secrets and lies. I've lost myself.

He looks confused. "What? Katniss, you saved my life. I can't hate you for that."

His hand rests on my back. He's silencing my heart, my brain. He treats me like I'm some fragile thing that's going to break, and I suppose I treat him the same way, but I didn't know who else to go to except Peeta. Being around him is just seeming more and more artificial, because I know it started out as an act but now I'm just disconnected from everything. Johanna isn't gone, I know that. How she looked at me is. We're still bunking in District Thirteen but she hates me again and I can't stop it.

"I'm sorry." I exhale a breath, staring down at my cruel hands that have shot animals and ruined lives. "I just - I'm sorry. I'm all drama and I don't know how you put up with me. Like, after everything it's still hard to know what's real, you know?"

Maybe being with Johanna was just a rebellion, a parody of what I wanted and what I wanted was something real. There's two parts of me, the fake part and the real part. Sometimes I wish I was Johanna. She's sharp and keeps everything locked inside, but I was too desperate to save myself so I screwed everything up with my stupid berry stunt.

"Well I'd like to think that this is real. What we are now."

He leans up to kiss me, but it's not right. It means almost nothing to me. I'm hesitant when his hands creep around my waist and it's not that I don't like him. I just don't know what's real. My face lies. Sometimes I think I love him. Really love him. Other times I don't know. I've kissed him a million times, and only a few I could count were real. I'm the first to pull back and I don't know where I should be or who I should be with. I've kissed Peeta, Gale, and Johanna but every time I kissed her wasn't fake.

"What are we?" I whisper, my voice quieter.

"More than what they want us to be."

How can I call Peeta anything when I lie to him so much? I'm partly not lying if he doesn't know, because he'll never ask and maybe it's over, so I don't tell. No one notices anyway. They only see what's above because who would ever think I'd be anything but indifferent towards Johanna? Nobody.

"Hey. I should go back. You know, If I want to sleep."

"Yeah. If you have any nightmares come to me, okay?" Peeta offers, his smile faint. He strokes my hair with his thumb and pulls the strand away, kissing my cheek tenderly. "Johanna's a nightmare herself around you."

"She's a piece of work." I tease lightly, my smile not really there but I don't think it ever had been. "Like me, I know. We're closer though, I think."

* * *

I grab the doorknob and pull it open, tasting Peeta still on my lips. I place a hand to my forehead, throbbing at the edge of my brain. I'm about to collapse on the bed until there's crying and angry whimpers in the bathroom.

"Johanna?"

"Fuck." Her voice is quiet, an angry sigh. "I'll be out. I thought you were with Peeta."

The door's not locked, just cracked.

"I came back. Are you okay in there?"

There's silence, then the sound of something breaking, followed by sharp and punctuated breaths. She sounds hurt and I can't help but push the door open, the blood seeping through the ridgy carpet. She jumps, the glass dropping out of her hand, spattering blood. She wipes her sleeve at her face, like she's been crying too long but acts like it's not a big deal anymore.

"What the hell, Katniss?" She snaps, her voice low, eyebrows dragging down. "I could've been naked when you walked in!"

I chew my lip and study her, her frown deepening as our eyes meet. She's angry but her eyes are rimmed red and she looks like she's trying not to breakdown. She looks broken, drained of so much life and completely unlike herself. Her face is pale and washed out, the pain evident all over. There's shattered glass everywhere, the mirror completely beaten up. I don't understand why she'd hurt herself like this when she's been hurt so much already.

I blink, and my throat catches, steadying my breathing. "Not like I haven't seen you naked before." I say gruffly, my heartbeat heavy. "That's not the problem! Why - why are you hurting yourself?"

I hurt her. I hurt her when I promised I wouldn't leave her, when I was supposed to be different from everybody that left her. I'm just the same as them. I'm _not_ perfect. If it weren't for the games, I would've been ordinary all my life, because people wouldn't have seen me as anything worth glorifying over if I hadn't volunteered and won. But if I had never won I wouldn't have met Johanna or Peeta, and maybe that wouldn't have been such a bad thing.

"I was mad, okay?" Her mouth twists, her voice sharp. "I just punched a mirror. No big deal. We should've avoided them anyway."

She slouches down, her back against the bathroom sink, her clothes drenched and bloody and she looks as worse as she did in the games. She's aching, probably feeling too much. I shouldn't have let her walk away. I grab a wad of toilet paper, pressing it to her thigh, trying to stop the bleeding. I watch as the paper stains red. All we can do is pretend it's not as bad as it is. I know it's not just because of me. It's her past, the cuts a reminder of everyone that's hurt her. That's what it seems like.

"It'll need a bandaid." I whisper, brushing my fingers across her cheek lightly.

She doesn't push me away and maybe it's because she's tired or can't be bothered to lash out anymore. I kiss her. I kiss her like it'll stop the hurting but she pulls away, her eyes downcast. The warmth in them left a long time ago. It'll take a while for the wounds to heal.

"I don't want you to pity me." She huffs, her eyebrows furrowed. "I'm not like Peeta."

"I know. Sorry I kissed you." I say too quickly, my face heated. "I'll get a bandaid. You should wash off."

Johanna listens to me. She washes off and I bandage the cuts, the wave of anger in her fading. She's here with me and she's safe, even though she keeps her face noticeably irritated. I stare at her for a moment and I didn't know her well enough before. I still don't, and I don't know much about her past, but I know her well enough to know she's fighting tears. I'm not leaving her this time.


	3. Chapter 3

**Johanna POV**

There's something like gravel in my throat when I wake up. I swallow the swollen lump in my throat, looking over at her, sleeping and relaxed. No nightmares. Last night was a nightmare itself, with Katniss walking into my bloody mess. Christ, why didn't I think to lock the door? I am becoming brainless. She's rubbing it off on me. Tension coils in my head and I hate that she saw me like that, so vulnerable. I managed to push away the urge to cry in front of her, and at least I stopped being a bitch to her. As most as I could, anyway. So that's a start.

I pull the blankets away from me, sitting up. I forget how small it is in here until I look around. That angry, cold and dismissive part of me is getting further away from how I used to appear. It was something to cope with, a defense of what I wanted people to see so I could hide the hurt. Katniss is shifting, chopping and changing me, almost like there are remains of that weak girl I played in the games soaking into me. I'm still that same Johanna, just partly. If only I could turn back to my full blown vanity instead of crouching inside myself like a scared child.

My eyes close. Red swirls in my eyelids, mixed with a fiery orange. I seem to be around blood and fire more than usual these days. The games still haunt me in my sleep, and what I remember from my past. I have to keep myself together.

"Hey," she says, waking up to me on the other side of the bed. "I was gonna hunt. Wanna go? As long as you're in less pain and everything."

Katniss's face stays calm, chewing her lip tentatively. I must look like a mess and I can't recall any moment when I haven't woken up in the heat of anger or being shocked in the middle of the night by Katniss's screaming. Last night was the first I don't remember dreaming about dying or fires. There was fire in my dream, but not the bad kind. I saw her. She was healing me with her lips, with the warmth of her pulse, a serenity singing me to sleep. I've waited too long already, to feel something good again.

"Don't." I say, my voice scratchy and dry, not wanting her to push it. "It's just a few cuts. I'll go."

We find ourselves in silence. She drops the subject. She stands and moves out of her bed. I stare at my cuts and look at her, standing up too. She doesn't pretend last night never existed. She isn't like Peeta and doesn't pretend we'll be okay when something bad happens or that seeing me all cut up is something to forget. She doesn't ask anything about last night or tell me that I'm insane and demented. I'm not sure what I should tell her or if I should tell her anything at all. I notice it though, how she's more cautious around me, like I could breakdown or snap at anytime.

She's in pain too. After Prim's death, I don't blame her for not knowing what's real anymore, with love and what not. Peeta isn't enough and I don't know if I am either. But she needs people, and I don't know why she's here with me when he knows comfort and doesn't lose it every second.

I stare flatly at her. "You can't avoid him forever, you know."

"I'm not avoiding him. I saw him yesterday." She shrugs, her shoulders shifting. "Look. I don't know what we are, but can't you get that stick out of your ass and see that I actually want to be around you? I don't get why it's so hard to believe me."

"'Cause no one's ever tolerated _this_. Me. My bitchiness." I swallow. "That's why I never had any people or whatever after everybody I got close to died."

"You're safe with me, okay? I'm not gonna leave you." She takes a deep breath, tucking a hand into a pocket of her jacket. "C'mon. We should get going."

She looks so sincere and all I ever was before was a complete bitch to her. I don't want to think about Katniss suffering, or my suffering, but there's an aching in my chest and all I can do is pretend like it isn't there. We leave the house, her bow in one hand, the both of us dressed and more composed than we were last night.

* * *

I don't get why she doesn't do this by herself or bring Peeta along for at least some sane company. All the forest does is remind me of the games, of the arena, of that stupid fucking tree costume, but I swallow the memories down because they don't matter right now. We both need a distraction so we don't think about any of that, because was my existence really fucking worth it when I had no one and only the games to focus on?

I fall behind, wincing just barely as the cuts on my skin hurt and rub against my pants. Katniss moves through the forest swiftly and quietly. This is Katniss's thing but she must see something good in me if she's tagging me along. I don't want to do anything but sit on a rock and lose myself to my mind. If only I could let it go so easily. I look up, wanting to let it go, just float up and sail away into the sky.

"Goddamn, why am I here?" I swear under my breath, the branches tickling my clothes, making me crouch my head underneath.

Katniss looks over at me, putting a finger to her lips, telling me to be silent. She stops walking, gesturing for me to come over to her. I step over the muddy grass, staying by her side. She hands me the bow and watches me fumble with it until my hand's positioned tightly, my eyes turning toward the forest. I look around, seeing nothing but trees, no deer in sight.

"It's hiding." She whispers, pointing over to the faraway bush. "Behind there. See it?"

I don't realize how close we are until I feel her breath on my cheek, warm and hot. The deer's ears poke out and I see it. Frankly, I'm more focused on Katniss, the way the braid unraveled from her hair and how I can't help but get distracted.

"Let it fly." She says, the both of us keeping our eyes on the deer.

I exhale, my chest expanding, my mind fogging up and then I release the arrow. It does all but misses, evidently, sticking against the trunk as it startles the deer who takes the chance to runaway.

"Damn it." I mutter heatedly, huffing a short breath.

Katniss gives me a wry smile, taking the bow out of my hand and turns to face me, like she's gonna say something. I feel her breath on my face, the closeness anything but suffocating because, fuck it, I actually _like_ her so much that I couldn't even focus. It's not at all awkward and she doesn't step back because I'm breathing fine, like it's the first real time I've breathed properly in a while.

"I could've fucking shot it if I wasn't distracted." I groan, my lips pursing together. "Why did you want me here? Jesus, I can kill people just fine but when it comes to shooting an arrow at a goddamn deer—"

Katniss lowers her bow, the bow falling onto the grass, closing what little gap was between us. Her hand cups my face, her lips silencing me and melting whatever anger was there before flare down. My hands stay at my sides as my eyes close automatically, and I don't try to pull away, her lips soft. I hate that she makes me feel this way, how she's kissing this broken person that can't function, kissing me until my lungs burn. Our lips part and she pulls back, my eyes fluttering open. I falter.

"Does that say anything?"

I nod faintly. "Maybe."


	4. Chapter 4

**Katniss POV**

I visit Peeta again in the Victor's Village and we eat dinner together. True, I don't need to hunt anymore, but without all the distractions around me I couldn't stop my revolving thoughts; Prim, thousands of people dead because of me, the flashbacks of the games, Peeta, Johanna, Johanna, Johanna -

"You and Johanna are awfully close lately, huh?" Peeta grins and pokes me gently in my sides.

I can't help but think back to Snow.

_At what point did he realize the depth of your indifference towards him?_

I looked at Peeta like he was wounded all the time. I kissed him because he was in pain. If he was never wounded or if the Capitol never made us Star Crossed Lovers, I wouldn't prove I loved him. I wouldn't need to. I don't love him. That's not to say I don't care about him. I just can't be real around him and mean it. I can't understand how easy it is for him, to move from acting to... to whatever we are now. Truthfully, I don't need him to function. I just don't want him hurt if I leave him because I'm indifferent. Unfeeling. But I don't hide anything from Johanna like I do to Peeta.

"Well we're roommates." I shrug. "Is that a bad thing?"

"You just seem so far away, Katniss. I don't know what to do."

He says it like we're running out of time, like I'm still on that screen and only broadcasting what he wants me to hear. He's so good and I can't be what he wants me to be. Sometimes, I don't know if I'm the good guy or the bad guy. So why do I feel like that deer? Like he's shot an arrow at me. Or maybe I'm a wild animal. All I do is hurt, try to be tamed but I can't stop using my claws. There's too much time to think around him.

"I'm right here." I murmur, eyes fixated on the ceiling.

"Yeah, but you're not really here." His voice is flat, steady. "Not really with me. It's like you're still on that screen and I can't reach you."

I suppose it's true. Maybe he's starting to see it, how my eyes are always far away when he holds me. It's not what I thought it'd be. I'm not here. Emotionally. I guess I just started saying things and they rang true. I was so caught and so unaware that I didn't think, and once I realized Peeta wasn't wounded anymore I admitted to myself I was indifferent. He infatuated me and then that lust was gone, that's it.

"I should go. Go home and pull myself together or something."

He senses my hesitance. I know he can't stay stable without me, because that's why he hasn't had a freak out or been a wreck after everything. I don't know if he'll come crashing when I push him away, if the tide will go away or not.

"Why don't you stay?" He looks up at me, eyes wide and pleading, like a damn dog.

"It's getting late."

I don't stay for long. My hand slips away from his and he lets me go, but he doesn't know I'm going to discard him. I've turned into a crow. I'm more louder, more dishonest. I'm so protective over him, but I can't love. I just fly away. Crows don't love. Mockingjays do, but my wings are broken.

* * *

Johanna's breath hitches in the dark. She never cries around me. Maybe she thought I was asleep. I can't see her face, but she's shaking. This never happens. It's always me. I'm never strong enough to resist the urge to breakdown at night or shrug off the nightmares like they're nothing. Was she holding it in every night?

"Johanna? Johanna, what's wrong?" I shift up on my bed, not expecting an answer. "Talk to me. Please."

Johanna turns, shuffling onto her back, facing me. "Come lie with me."

Pulling the covers away, I get under the covers beside her, pulling them over us. She's quiet, and I swing a loose arm around her waist. I don't know what I'm supposed to say to her but I try to stay awake so she won't be alone tonight when she's dangerously unstable.

"I'm sorry."

She knows I'm sorry but it doesn't change the past, doesn't heal her from being broken and hurt. I get why she distanced herself, why she kept herself apart from everyone. Maybe it's wrong of me to treat her like she's made of glass, but I don't think I can treat her like normal anymore.

"For what?"

"That I don't know how to fix you or how to help."

Maybe I have no effect at all. I want to take that hurt from her, because now it makes sense why she acts the way she does. She's so broken. But the memories won't go away. All I can do is hold her until she stops hurting, until she's back to who she used to be, but I never really knew. All I knew before was that she was angry and good with an axe, but I know so much more now and her mask is slipping right in front of me. She's toning herself down. And it keeps me so aware of what happened, for it to get like _this_.

Johanna looks at me, completely torn down. "I'm scared, Katniss. Look at that." She laughs dryly. "I survived the freaking Hunger Games and I'm scared because I _like_ you. Why can't I hate you?"

There's only so much you can fake. I wonder vaguely what's going to happen when Peeta has his realization that I'm indifferent, because he came out okay after the games. He didn't shake when he had his nightmares. He dealt with it. He had me. Prim is gone and I can't get her back, so maybe it's like the same thing because I'm disappearing right in front of him and that's something I can't stop. I need to tell him because I can't take it anymore.

"Shh, Johanna. It's okay. You're gonna be okay."

I don't know what I'm saying, because living with broken memories of the past is _not_ okay, just a sad reminder of how dull everything is. I wish I wasn't me. I can't say the right thing, can't leak out the poison and pain that she filled herself with, that just kept filling higher and higher until it all spilled out.

And I hold her in the dark, so she won't fall apart, whispering apologies into her skin. And it's so selfish, but I hate myself. Hate myself for being a coward, for not keeping Prim safe, for being weak and for hiding secrets. But I'm supposed to be strong. I can't smile. My lips are trembling, she's shaking. I rub her back like it'll make the tears die. I've cried around her thousands of times, and it's so foreign seeing it backwards. It's never been like this, the shape she's in. And I wonder, if we're both so broken, are there enough bandages to fix us?

"Just don't leave me alone. Please. I can't be alone." Her voice is soft, her face deep in thought.

And we stay like that, my arms wrapped tight around Johanna, her just needing me to hold her. I never saw past that narcissistic part, but I'm starting to realize I'm the only one who cares about her, that sees past who she pretends to be. And maybe if I can make her feel like she's worthy, like she's not worthless or hasn't lived a worthless life, she won't be so hollow.

* * *

**A/N:** _Please review. Reviews are like cookies. You can't have just one. __And they make you feel all mushy and gooey inside. Think of reviews as cookies baking in the oven. Once they're out it's a real treat._


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **_So I screwed up with the POV order. Oh well. I didn't exactly want to start over so here you go!_

* * *

**Katniss POV**

I've slept with Johanna.

My eyes snap open. The realization hits me. The air was disgustingly hot last night and our clothes had come off gradually. I'd seen her naked before, but I'd never touched her like that. It still baffled me why she didn't push me out of the bed. I didn't think she was a lover. She's more of a fighter who I didn't think could love, didn't think could love _me._ Maybe she was just upset. I wanted to ask her a million things, but all I could heal her with was touch. She hadn't said the words and I'm beginning to think there's nobody she trusts but me, because she doesn't have anybody.

She's seen me kiss Peeta thousands of times, but cheating doesn't apply to this. I'm cheating on him, I know, but I don't want to hurt either of them. The rationale is; I'm not hurting Peeta if he doesn't know. But there's too much guilt flooding in my system.

Johanna hasn't had anyone besides me, I think. The way her eyes used to glint like lonely bullets, how had I not realized how broken she was? Of course she was going to give off an unpleasant vibe. But after all this, it wouldn't be fair of me to pass this off as nothing. One moment my mind was off Peeta and in a flicker, a flash, Johanna crept in and hasn't left. I don't think she will.

I pull on a pair of jeans and a wrinkled shirt with an army jacket over it, looking over at Johanna and deciding to wake her up but decide not to. She looks peaceful for once. I stand, leaving quietly.

* * *

I bang on Peeta's door, the metal rattling. It opens outward, and I take a step back, Peeta looking at me as he runs a hand through his hair. I can't keep it in me anymore. It's tearing me apart, even more that he doesn't know. But I can't be with him.

"Peeta, can we talk?"

"Yeah. Sure, Katniss. About what?" His mouth twists, gesturing me to come in. "Do you want some breakfast?"

I shake my head and plop myself on the couch, my knees drawn up and my head all jumbled. He closes the door behind me, rubbing the back of his neck. He moves to sit heavily on the couch next to me, observing my face, head cocked a little. I haven't said anything because I don't know how to start, how to say something without hurting him.

He speaks up first. "Hey, what's wrong?"

I cut straight to the point. "We're not real."

I've known Peeta longer than Johanna, evidently. He's great, but he can't make me whole. I can stand to lose him, but I don't know if he can stand to lose me because he's stable. As egotistical as it is, I put him back together and I don't want the screws to go loose.

He looks at me blankly. "What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry. I should have told you but I didn't want you to get hurt. I just can't be real enough for you. I've tried to love you, but I can't. I can't in the way you want me to." I narrow my eyes, studying Peeta. "Are you mad?"

Peeta wasn't a waste. I'm not just going to dispose him like that, but he needs to know the truth. I just don't want anything bad to happen to him, but I can't fake it anymore. There's only so much I can fake. I don't want to be this person who hides things because she's too scared. It makes me just as worse as everyone else.

He registers what I said, his eyebrows turning up pitifully. "No, not really. It's fine. I didn't expect you to stay." He lets out a breath, a sad smile on his face. "If it weren't for the games, I would've never talked to you. I'd still be that scared baker boy. You don't need to go overboard for me anymore. But I'll never be mad at you, you know that."

"Thanks, Peeta."

"Is there someone else?" His voice drops, a little uneven, like he's trying to keep himself together.

It's so hard to let myself be real, to know that I'm not here to lie to him. I have no idea why he'd like me in the first place, but it's not his fault that I'm hard to read. That's why it's so easy to keep secrets I guess. I've built up too many defenses, pretended to be so many different people just so I wouldn't hurt anyone when it's just a silent kind of hurting.

"Yeah, actually." I start hesitantly, biting my lip. "Johanna."

He blinks slowly. "So why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I was scared, okay?" I splutter. "All I do is hurt people and maybe if I can fix at least—"

"Katniss, I'll be okay." He smiles reassuringly, warily. "You're good for her. She could use someone like you. I just don't know how this even happened."

"I don't know." I say, still hesitant, not sure how to get the words right. "She's broken, Peeta. Much more than you or I am. I think she's only bitter and angry because of what happened to her. She's just been acting. She's fragile and I want to be with her. But I can't be with you, too."

I stand up to go, Peeta staring at me. "I'll still love you, you know."

I sigh. "I know. I do too. It's just not like you love me. Bye."

* * *

I reach my door, Johanna sitting up when I open it, the covers wrapped around her. She's still naked and I close the door behind me, tucking a tentative hand in my jacket pocket.

She looks up at me, eyes big and wide. "Where were you?"

"I told him. About us." I quirk a smile, faint but there, the pang of guilt subsiding through me. "We're done."

I tried to pretend Peeta and I weren't drifting apart, because after everything it just seemed so worthless to slip away from him. It's not like that now. I hurt him, but I can't lie anymore than I have. I want Johanna. I don't know if I'm good for her, but I want her to know she doesn't have to be this way. She forced herself into this angry, bitter person who doesn't give a fuck about anything because it was safer. I didn't know how much she was like me until I realized.

Her voice cracks. "I didn't think you'd just—"

I cut her off. "Well I did. For you. I'm staying with you because you need me. I need you. You can't live alone and I'm not gonna let you."

I move to the edge of her bed, squeezing her arm tenderly. I'm not being with her because she's a wounded bird. There was some truth to that, but when I saw who she was, I saw more than that angry flicker that was always in her eyes. And it's going away now. Not fully, but slowly. It's being replaced with something, like that warmth is coming back again. Like there's actually life inside it and it's not just dull and downcast.

"Thank you."

She cracks something of a smile. It's weak and dies off almost immediately, but I've never seen Johanna smile and I think that's the first time since god knows how long. She doesn't have to force it. Even though we're both so broken, we can still feel fixed some days, and maybe forget all the past that burned us. But it's not all fire. Only the good kind.

* * *

**A/N:** Reviews are like money. They keep you off the streets. And they're just lovely, really.


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